Wednesday, July 20
sickening feeling of a migraine throbbing in my head. plus the nausea that comes with it. i probably sound like a pregnant cow. oh well. skipped school today due to the above. head still pounding but i know my mum won't let me miss another day.
did nothing much but sleep, eat and read. oh and work on the thing. it's three quarters done. i hope everyone falls on their knees and thanks me for my effort. especially joan kang, who was supposed to be helpful, at least.
the masseuse commented on my butt. i think a diet is in order. plus exercise ie pe. oh dear. why oh why can't i have a nice small flat shapeless butt like everyone else? throw in pencil-thin legs too. there is something wrong with our society.
bored bored bored. feel-good week was successfully carried out. i now make another resolution! [that i will keep] i will not overeat and i will not sink into depression!
shit candy just told me my econs marks. i got 7/25 for my essays. whoops. ahhahahahhaha shit i'm such a jackass. someone tell me why i'm in hwachong again. is it too late to transfer to yj or something? if i get an f for lit now.. i'll have eeof. oeef. fooe. foee. feoe. feeo. ofee. eeof? my marks don't even make sense!! hahahhahaa. i am trying to convince myself that eeof isn't really that bad, because i technically fail only one subject.. right? hell, i passed chinese! i deserve a medal for that! see i am trying not to sink into depression.
i can't decide if i should just let myself feel stupid and beat myself over the head with my lousy results [the direct consequences of
not studying more than a day beforehand except econs which i am exceptionally untalented at] and hopefully hate myself enough to do better, or just try to make myself feel better, lick my wounds and get the same results.
WHY is life about results? i shouldn't judge my worth on results. not that i do now. i'm feeling pretty cool about it for some reason. this is bad. i should drown myself. i should judge myself based on what i get. i am worth nothing. okay, right now i'm worth eeof. read: so little that it doesn't even form a word. i don't dare tell my mum. my sister got her usual 4as and an a1 for gp. thank God she doesn't take chinese or i would really jump off a building! i should hate myself more. okay, i'm off to do my econs homework and stab myself in the cold lead fist-sized organ i call my heart.
it must've been love.
8:25 pm
xoxo
